Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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