she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
