I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
