R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
