There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
