awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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