I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
