I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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