You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
