dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
