ya dads aren't the best wingmen
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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