He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
