Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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