I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
