Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
