The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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