by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
