ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
