operation have a gay friend backfired
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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