i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
