you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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