I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
