Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
