if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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