At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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