The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
