Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
