Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
