grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
