we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
