ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
