omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Two words: nipple clamps
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