maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
