im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
