I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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