I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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