so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
