She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
