I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i dont even know how to be here
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
