I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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