Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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