do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
