please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
