My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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