I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
