dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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