I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
