Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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