I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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