I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
