Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
